Some of them are even funny! I snagged and edited them off of here.
How many Garnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Can’t say. It’s oathbound.
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Same number as Gardnerians.
How many Dianics does it take to change a lightbulb?
That’s not funny!!!!
From: Outpagan Q: What is a male honeybee's favorite magickal item? A: The caul-drone Q: What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer? A: Wicker Q: Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork? A: She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham?--none."
From: Sisterlynx How many Solitaries does it take to change a lightbulb? Who cares!
From: Outpagan A high priest tells his coven member, "Hey, I heard a new fundie joke today." The member replies, "Man, you're always slamming fundies. Why don't you tell us a Martian joke instead?" "OK, Two Martians are carrying their Bibles to church. The first Martian says, 'At the revival last week, I led 15 new souls to accept Jesus Christ as their personal saviour' and the other Martian says--" "Never mind," says the member.
From: EastLion That's almost as bad as the one I heard about the Dyslexic devil-worshipper. He sold his soul to Santa.
From: Sekhmet59 (Mild slam, but I liked the joke...) What's the difference between New Age and Pagan? About $500.00 a weekend.
From: ASBrowne01 I'm sure you are all familiar with the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays awake all night wondering if there is a Dog....
From: Great Seer The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives." (Just something I overheard at a Unitarian service this morning...)
From: SpotedWolf Hey, us dyslexics have a sense of humor, too. The bumper sticker 'Dyslexics of the world Untie" --it works
From: ROOCAT I recently saw a bumper sticker that said D. A. M. -- Mothers Against Dyslexia
From: Beasty101 How many Dianacs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but that bulb has really got to want to change.
From: Mitheldhae When God Created Men She must have been Drunk and Horny!
From: WITRHAWK How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb??? None.. they call the electrician who's also pagan and keeps the money in THEIR community.
From: Ciorstag How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb??? None -- if a candle was good enough for Gramma it's good enough for me!
From: Rhiahnnon2 I know we are all sick of the "Confuscious say" jokes, but I have to rehash them for this message board =D "Confuscious say man who sits alone in church, sits in his own pew" ***Groan!***** "Confuscious say man who stands on toilet is high on pot" ******Double Groan!!!******
From: Thorolf A personal favorite: How many Asatruar does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you. And the old Nordic classic: Why don't Norse pagans perform the Great Rite? Because it's impossible to get a saxknife into a beer bottle.
From: LadyCharis Q: What is a witch's favorite snack? A: PAN pizza
From: Outpagan Q: What's a witch's favorite subject in school? A: SPELLing.
From: Rhiahnnon2 I've got two bumper stickers (I can't use them or the hubby will get hell on base) one says "Life's a witch and then you fly" the other says "Beam me back Merlin" They're not knee thumpers, but I think they're cute :)
From: Outpagan WHY M&M'S ARE WICCAN: * MM = Merry Meet * Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons * Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related. * Associations with the colors: Red = South Green = West Dark Brown = North Yellow = East Orange = For the Solar God Light Brown = For the Earth Mother (Copper Woman) * Rotate the M & M: M = 13th letter of alphabet, and there are 13 witches in a coven 3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon W = Witchcraft, Wiccan E = Enlightenment, Enchantment of chocolate * "Melt in your mouth, not in your hand"--God/dess's love must be experienced directly to appreciate. Also, God/dess will take care of you. * Sweetness to remind us of how sweet the love of the God and Goddess is!
From: Aarmanda Those are great bumper stickers. I got one from a friend today that has a picture of Barbie dressed all femnist and it says "Barbie gets a Brain"
From: Nosferati Try this one, I ran across it once: ***ERROR #666 HARD DRIVE POSESSED! Load EXOR.SYS (Y/N)*** (actually I stole it from YeloRoz) When that happens, and EXOR.SYS doesn't work, do you 'ascii' a priest? And with spirits, you can get slimed. With a posessed HD, do you get 'gui'ed??
From: ArachneG Here's one you can just about get shot for where I live (Georgia) but I like it anyway: If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
From: Ausrine Sign in a Wiccan bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed! Second-time Offenders will be Re-Possessed!"
From: VacmClnrMn What is one thing you never have to worry about? Your airplane being hijacked by a group of radical Unitarians. Also, I heard something before about a modern Wicca who used a vacuum cleaner instead of a broom and a 24 caliber instead of a knife (hey, it's still phallic!)
From: EastLion At a store I used to go to there was a parchment affixed to the wall with a daggar that read "Shoplifters will be merrily hacked to pieces!", needless to say, I don't think they had much of a problem.
From: J FoxDavis How do you scare a UU (Unitarian Universalist) our of your neighborhood? Answer: Burn a Question Mark on their lawn.....
From: LdyHawke Long ago when I belonged to an Artists' Cooperative...we had many fragile hand crafted items sitting around on shelves. Since we were located in a local shopping mall we had much foot traffic by parents who saw no need to look after their children much to our dismay. Finally a sign we posted at the door seemed to get our message accross... WARNING! Unattended children may be eaten by starving artists!
From: Mariah Q Q: How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles. Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thirteen; one to hold the bulb, and twelve to drink enough to make the room spin. Q: How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; he stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.
From: Axe of Men This is one of the BEST ideas to come out the Pagan Community since including Duct Tape as the sixth element. The following jokes were told to me by a Thelemite, and thus I am completely exonerated from the retelling. How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb? None. Crowley never wrote a book about it. What do Thelemites do for foreplay? The LBRP. And... How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on what you want to change it into.
From: LdyHawke BumperStickers found on the Information SuperHighway.......
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
- Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
- Heck is a place for people who don’t believe in Gosh.
- I had my car’s alignment checked. It’s chaotic evil!
- A squirrel is just a rat with good P.R.
From: Rhiahnnon2 Speaking of Bumper stickers, i just saw these today in my new issue of Abyss. The hubby and I died laughing :D
- ” I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures “
- “I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to”
- “Jesus is coming. Look Busy!”
- “My family is more dysfunctional than your family”
- “Re-elect Clinton-Gore and their husbands”
- “God Please save me from your followers”
- “I have the body of a god: Buddha”
- “Jesus saves! By using double coupons & shopping wisely”
From: RebeccaMac Lest we forget the sign that was on the wall at the Abyss in Easthampton, Mass., "Unattended children will be sold as slaves."
From: BethMichel as one who can't remember any jokes... here goes - A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
From: Silver Elg I heard these on a BBS here in Phoenix, thought I'd share them...
- WASP…We Are Sexy Pagans
- Please hold… All Muse are busy right now, but your insperation is importent to us….
- Starclad dancing to the drums, Something Wiccan this way comes..
- The goddess is alive and She ate my homework…
From: JaneRHCB Having been brought up Catholic, I saw a postcard once that I thought was the funniest thing I ever saw. A nun was angrily standing over a sheepish little boy who was writing on the chalk board "a hundred times" as instructed by the nun: "I am peronally responsible for the agony of Jesus Christ." I showed it to my brother who happens to be a Catholic priest and he didn't laugh, and told me to 'be careful..." I'm so glad to see this folder, and that we can indeed laugh at ourselves. So...how long does it take to get over the GUILT for being personally responsible for the agony...oh, never mind.
From: Rowan354 How may light bulbs does it take to change a Gardnerian? None, they can do it all by themselves, thank you very much!!
- witches do it in the moonlight
- practice safe hex
- misspellers of the world, unit!!
- we’re gardnerians…off with your clothes
- i’m doin my part to piss of the religious right…..r u??
From: Outpagan I am so pleased to see how this folder is growing...makes me laugh every time I check the messages. Has anyone heard the filk version of "Gimme That Old Time Religion"? I first heard it at a political march, but only remember three verses. From the East there is Buddha, He really is much cutah, Comes in brass and glass and pewtah, And that's good enough for me. CHORUS: Gimme that old time religion (x3) It's good enough for me. Have you seen Aphrodite, In her sexy, filmy nighty, Sometimes she can be flighty, But that's good enough for me. Chorus... Then there is the Horned One, Of all the Gods, he's most fun, He likes to hunt in woods and run, And that's good enough for me. Chorus...
From: Outpagan While I'm at it, here's another light-hearted chant for circle use: Hooray for ( or "we love") the Sun God, He is a fun God, Rah, Rah, Rah. Most appropriate for the coming summer months. I'd love to hear a Goddess version.
From: Sekhmet59 Ooh, an old favorite. A few verses of this appeared in Larry Niven's _Dream Park_. Let's see if I can recall them... It was good enough for Isis She will help us in a crisis And she's never raised her prices, So she's good enough for me! (Chorus) It was good enough for Kali Though embracing her is folly She'd be quite an armful...golly! And she's good enough for me! (Chorus) It was good enough for Odin Though those omens were forbodin' 'Til at last the giants rode in, And it's good enough for me! (Chorus, of course...)
From: MIDSUMMER Ankh if you love Isis!!
From: Domesday ::::::::bumper sticker seen in Virginia suburbs near D.C.:::::: Domineering, coldhearted, vicious bitch seeks submissive, warmhearted, caring man for INTENSE love/hate relationship!
From: TempleLuna This is an old bumper sticker: "Sorry, my karma just ran over your dogma."
From: MIDSUMMER this one is a little late. Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body. If you are offended by this one, lighten up its only a joke ( they didn't really cancel easter)
From: Card Lady2 Oh I'm tired of ronald reagan He's too square to be a pagan Let's all vote for carl Sagan 'cause he's good enough for me From my hubby. Also he wants to know if anyone has the compleete version of "plastic jesus" "I don't care if it rains or freezes as long as I got my plastic jesus... Plastic jesus Plastic jesus Plastic jesus sittin' on the dashboard of my car pretty soon you'll have to go You're magnet's ruinin' my radio Plastic jesus sittin' on my car!"
From: J0dawi Possibly original with Wednesday / alt.magick / alt.magick.pagan / etc. Possibly misquoted: (Think B-52's, i think: "The Love Shack" song...) "The Love Law is a little place where We can Will together Love Law 93, ..." And... "Love in the Raw, Love on the Pill."
From: Silver Elg I thought I'd ad some one-liner's I've seen or heard. (mostly taglines..) --- What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub? - Self-Cleaning Coven ----Get a taste for religion, Lick a Witch! ---Best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on...
Dear Witchful Thinking,
I heard somewhere something weird, and wanted to ask you about it. I heard that during the Burning Times, if a Witch broke her oaths to the coven then part of the punishment was that she would be reincarnated away from people she knows. She would be amongst strangers and not with other Witches. Is that true?
Young Padawan Learner
This falls into the realm of coven oral teaching, which I have not been able to verify in a book, and had to ask an elder. While we historically know that the Burning Times did not happen as we thought they did, the mythology surrounding medieval covens has stuck with us and been reinterpreted for modern times.
Wiccans believe in reincarnation. Since everything else in nature goes in cycles, it makes sense that so do we. That’s why people have past-life memories sometimes. Many subscribe to the idea that our souls are here to learn lessons, and that we have decided before our incarnation what lessons we need to learn. People come into our lives because they have a lesson to teach us–especially people we don’t get along with. If you have it in you, try thanking someone who makes you angry, hurts you, or that you find deeply unpleasant–thank them for the lesson they are teaching you.
I think we are reincarnated with people we know, especially family. In one way or another, we all must come to terms with our family and balance out the relationships as we grow and change and when there is a lot of stress. The elder I talked to calls this your “soul group”. When you meet somebody who reminds you of somebody else, or you feel like you’ve known them forever, then you’ve been with them in a past life. Additionally, if you instantly dislike someone, you’ve met with them in a past life too.
The elder I spoke to told me about the term “Warlocking” (yes, I realize it is a World of Warcraft word for newbies gone wrong). As you know, “warlock” means “oath-breaker”. She explained it as a karmic law (rather than the effect of the coven actions) of the Fates that goes into effect when one does something unspeakably horrible to get in the way of things. This includes murder, so ratting out your coven would have been something that would qualify one for Warlocking. Basically, it reincarnates them out of the way of the work that magical people are doing and puts them out of harms way. It gives them a chance to fix their mistake rather than repeating it in another life, and keeps those doing the magical work safe from their bad influence. It is a self-regulating mechanism that is not controlled by the Gods, but to which they too are a part.
Because magical people like Witches are working to become familiar with the laws of Karma and in working with energy, deity and other sacred tasks, they are held to a higher standard than non-magical folk. Remember that everything you do comes back to you, and if not this time, then it’ll catch you the next!
In a recent post, I talked about how folks who can’t find their own coven could, in fact, start their own groups. I know. It sounds like a butt load of work, and it is, but there are many benefits to starting your own group:
- Hang out with your friends
- Do your favorite things
- Works with your schedule
- Focus on topics you are interested in
If you are in college the best way to start a group is to start a club on campus. Usually in the Student Life section of the campus directory, there will be an office that is focused on clubs. Learn what you need to do to start a club and then follow the directions. They already have an established procedure, so no need to reinvent the wheel.
You will probably need a certain amount of people to establish a group. I searched for folks on Witchvox and met them for coffee before talking to them about starting a college group. You can also post fliers around campus (make sure you follow the rules about that or they won’t let you post anymore! Why get on their bad side, eh?). I kept my ears open in class for students who seemed to have rather Pagan-like ideas. Not everyone in the founding charter needs to be Pagan, but they must be willing to sign the document and try and come to a few meetings. Try asking your sympathetic friends to help you get started.
If you are already out in the real world, you can start a group that meets at your local library, UU church, Masonic Lodge, cafe, or in your own home. Think about what kind of activities you will do and how many people might come and plan accordingly. Planning on wine? Most public buildings won’t allow the consumption of alcohol. Live in an apartment? Maybe not the best place for a drum circle. Want to do skyclad? Probably not a good idea at a school or cafe.
Define the purpose of your group. Will you focus on discussion and teaching each other? This is an excellent idea if you are at a college, since members will come and go. Will you focus on a single tradition? If you are already trained in a degree and have the leave of your elders to do so, this may be a good option. Will you focus on public service? I know a group who puts on a big psychic fair every year and the money goes towards people in the community who are going through personal and family tragedy. Will you focus on literature? A book club might be a great way to help each other learn, or to get through a book course.
In any group you are in, you will probably have to make up a charter, which will become the most important document in your group. It defines the mission of the group, how they will vote, what leadership roles are required, and a group philosophy on how to handle problems. Likely this will require the work of one individual doing the writing and most of the thinking, but do take everyone’s ideas in. Define if decisions will be made by democratic vote, membership quorum, consensus, or hierarchy.
Get connected–find a method to talk socially and about group subjects beyond your meetings. Consider starting a yahoo group, facebook, myspace, or Witchvox posting. This gives interested people an opportunity to see what you are doing without actually going to your meetings. Creating a social network may allow the word to get out about events you are putting on.
Decide who will be the leader. The person who founded the group does not necessarily have what it takes to lead the group: whether it is people skills, organization skills, desire, or simply time. There are many kinds of leaders, and different strengths may be required for different groups.
Your group dynamics will change. Groups go through a lifecycle, and if you are aware of what changes to expect, your group leadership can roll with the punches.
- Forming. In the forming stage, personal relations are characterized by dependence. Group members want to belong and know the group is safe. Folks keep things simple and avoid controversy while they are checking out the group. Everyone is very polite. The group defines what they will do together.
- Storming. The next stage, usually called storming, is characterized by competition and conflict in the personal-relations dimension an organization in the task-functions dimension. Group member ideas, feelings and beliefs must conform to suit the group. Desire for commitment. May conflict over structural issues such as leadership, voting structure, authority, etc. May be some competition and hostility. Most groups break here, especially if firm ground rules have not been set, or the leadership is too demanding. Utilizing your group charter can be a neutral way of enforcing the rules.
- Norming. In Tuckman’s norming stage, interpersonal relations are characterized by cohesion. With the use of listening and communication skills, members change their preconceived ideas about what the groups “should” be, and cliques begin to dissolve. With the group so defined, members experience a sense of belonging as interpersonal conflicts are solved. They readily share feelings, ideas, feedback, and alternative possibilities. There is a lot of creativity. However, with the group being so comfortable, they may resist change and fear the breakup of the group.
- Performing. The performing stage is not reached by all groups. If group members are able to evolve to stage four, their capacity, range, and depth of personal relations expand to true interdependence. The group does what it has set out to do. The leadership and authority adjusts to the needs of the group and individuals. Members work independantly, in subgroups, and as unit with ease and comfort. A lot gets done because members are not worried about their group status–moral is high and members are very loyal. There is genuine problem solving and support for experimentation.
- Adjourning. Tuckman’s final stage, adjourning, involves the termination of task behaviors and disengagement from relationships. With the major projects complete, or the school year ending, members move on to other things. Loss of leadership or change in membership can create a minor crisis, in which the group has to redefine itself around the changes. Leaders have to give up control, and members give up inclusion and exclusion. Time to tie up loose ends and disengage from the interpersonal relationships.
The best way to deal with these changes is to recognize and honor the process, especially when it is time for the group to end. Since we are Pagan, consider marking it with ritual. Not every group will go through every stage in the same order, or at all. But Tuckman’s basic group theory gives some guidelines and structure for what to expect. If you suspect your group might get stuck on storming, perhaps teach some interpersonal communication styles, or come up with one or two the club uses. Remember that change is inevitable, so count on it, even in the norming and performing stages.
Ultimately, the best advice for starting a successful group is to have a good meeting time and place, defining the rules of the group, having a stated purpose, and keeping an open mind to change.
Dear Witchful Thinking,
I practice solo, what are the advantages of joining a coven, do you know how to get in touch with other locals?
Ah, the coven! A place where Pagans can get together, learn, worship, and practice magic.
There are many advantages to joining a coven:
- Fellowship of like-minded people.
- A single path to focus your energy on.
- A place to hone your skills and get personal teaching.
- Incredible love and family energy.
- Something social to do.
- Work towards larger projects and goals.
- Teach and train others.
- Gain credibility and status.
On the other hand, there could be some downsides:
- Politics, gossiping and favoritism.
- Hierarchy and structure.
- Crappy teachers.
- Poorly-thought-through magic and ritual.
- Hazing, harassment, hexing.
- Sexual tension.
- No formed group mind.
- Lousy leadership.
Of course, not all covens have these kinds of problems. Any time you get any group of people together for any purpose, these kinds of things might happen. Perhaps it sticks out more so in the Pagan community because we are so vulnerable: we want to be open to new experiences, but sometimes forget to take our brains with us. Most likely, a real coven will have a mix of these good things and bad things.
Some advice about choosing a coven:
- Take your time: You are picking family and a religion at the same time. Many covens have a “year and a day” course or public rituals they do to evaluate potential new members. It’s worth it to try each other out and to be honest if you don’t think it will meet your needs.
- Identify what your needs are: For me, the Celtic Gods don’t respond, so I’m not likely to do well in a coven that focuses on the Gods of Britian and Wales! Do you need a family-friendly group? How available are you to meet regularly? Do you need formal training or do you have skills you can offer?
- All covens are unique and different from each other because they are made up of people. Ask yourself what makes you a good coven member. Why would the coven want you?
- Some groups practice “alternative” lifestyles such as polyamory, BDSM or require certain rituals such as tattooing. If you don’t wholeheartedly agree with what the coven is doing, you need to re-evaluate your membership.
- Most covens don’t advertise. Likely it is word of mouth. You may receive an invitation to join a group, or might have a friend who is involved. It’s often just like a family: you don’t just join, you are married or born in.
- If you can’t find a coven you like, start your own. Ask some friends to join you, and be ready to be committed! Start with what you know and work with your initial covenmates to create rituals and tradition. It’s just as legitimate as any other coven. You can learn as you go and there are some excellent resources out there to help you. (We can talk about this more in another post!)
The best way to find a coven is to go where there are lots of Pagans, like a festival, or a showcase event like Concentric Circles run by OLOTEAS. Witchvox has excellent group pages, although many groups go dead before they can really get going. Find a group with an open circle. Your local Pagan and Occult supply shop often becomes the meeting place for groups and open rituals, so check them out.
After you start going to the local festivals, you’ll start making friends. Ask around the community. Network. If you read a book by an author you like who lives near you, consider writing them and asking for more info about their coven. Many authors like Silver Ravenwolf, Laurie Cabot and Starhawk head covens in their local areas.
Can’t find a real life group? Consider online training. At least you’ll meet and work with people virtually. Consider Amber K’s school. Or the ATC’s theological seminary. Or Cherry Hill’s distance learning masters programs. Or Oberon Zell’s Grey School of Wizardry, if that is your flavor.
And remember: take your time. Find the right one. This decision is too important. Give it your real thought and attention.
Some helpful books: